We're Having a Blast!

I can't tell you how much fun we've been having! It's been a very simple summer in many ways, filled with lots of family time and simple fun that is priceless. As I'm at a friend's house using her computer (thanks, Kandi!), I'll make this quick by simply posting pictures of our last few weeks.

You'll see Sofia with her great-grandparents at a family get-together, a ride in the bike trailer, Sofia riding a friend's four-wheeler, going out to ice cream, and blowing bubbles.

We also spent time at my parents' house, where Kardelen picked endless flowers for "Nana."

And we've spent lots of time going on picnics and playing at parks:

The girls got to go fishing for the first time, too! (We didn't catch anything--they fished with bobbers.)

I'd encourage you--if you ever get to a place in your life where you can choose between family time or financial security--go for the family time. Your kids are worth it, the memories are priceless, and God will honor your decision and provide for you.

God bless, everyone!

More Changes

Since we're cutting back this summer as much as we can, we won't have internet service after this week. I'll miss blogging, but it will also be fun to spend time in other ways--such as reading through the Bible with Jacob (a yearly goal we just set on our anniversary this week), sewing, and just spending more time with Jacob and the girls. (Making "car muffins" with Kardelen, perhaps. I'm told they taste like cheese.)



Not sure when I'll be back--if internet service is necessary for Jacob's classes, then maybe when he goes back to school in the fall.

I really will miss all of you friends, and the encouragement you've been to me. Really. I'm hoping to be able to stop by your blogs when I'm able to hop on a computer with internet access, just to keep in touch.

I wish you all the best!

~Heather

Simple Summer

Seasons bring changes. I love summer's picnics with lemonade, carefree hours at the park, and sunlight till late. Even when it's a "chilly" 60 degrees, I think back to January's 40-below freezes and feel happy.

This summer is bringing other changes to our family as well. I'm hoping it will be a simple summer. I won't go into it in depth, but this summer our income will be less than during the school year. Much less. One of two things could happen. One--Jacob could look for additional work. Two--we could cut back (a LOT) and simply enjoy our family time. As of right now, we've opted for the second.

We already live frugally, I'd say, sticking to a budget and trying to sneak by with as little school debt as we can while Jacob finishes his degree. Now it's a little exciting to take a look at our budget and say, Now what can we tweak? How can we slim it down even more?

The greatest challenge to this, in my thinking, is my attitude (emphasis on my). When I see things in the right perspective and understand we're making a trade-off that will benefit our family, I'm content. But it's oh-so-easy to begin to covet other people's stuff. Or their ability to buy their stuff easily (without budget constraints).

I failed yesterday. Even though God's provided for us amazingly lately (and I only blogged about half of the praise reports), I fell into discontent and materialism and became quite a grumpy monster for half the day. (Thank goodness marriage is "for better or for worse," right?)

I'm grateful for God's grace and Jacob's forgiveness. I want to not only live out God's plan for me, but live it abundantly, with joy. I want to make choices that will benefit our family and our future.

Father, help me to see things clearly, not through the lens of my own envy or discontent. Thank you for the precious gift of being home with our girls, and for having so much family time this summer. May I make the most of it. And thank You for providing.

Grace

In sixth grade, a great teacher plus a little competition with another student sparked me to start really trying at school. (My grades were average before then.) That year I started getting A's. I think that's when all this began.

Throughout high school and college, I worked hard and continued to do well. I developed a type-A, go-getter personality where I throw myself wholly into anything I do. This works well when your goal is to get A's in school. It makes you feel like a good, and worthwhile, person. It strokes your pride. And it can carry a hefty price tag.

Working to earn rewards breaks down when you start internalizing it--when you start thinking that who you are depends on what you achieve. When you start trying to hold it all together in your life, trying to earn others' approval by how good you are (or more correctly, appear).

It becomes burdensome. You're afraid to let your weaknesses show, because others might not approve of you. You're afraid to not do the dishes at night, because if you leave the kitchen a mess, that proves you don't have it all together, and people might think you're a lazy housewife. During those inevitable times when life swings out of your control--like when caring for a child's sickness makes you backed up on the cooking and cleaning--the voice of shame starts whispering to your soul: You can't handle this. You're not good enough. Super-Mom [insert the name of one of your homemakerly idols here] would have been able to keep up with it.

Addiction to earning your own way is lethal when it carries over into your relationship with God.

A few months ago we had friends over for dinner. We know when we get together with this particular group that conversation will turn spiritual and serious. I found myself starting to cry as I "bared my soul" to these friends and described my struggle. You see, I never knew if I was pleasing God. Yes, I know He always loves me; but I wasn't sure if He was happy with my actions, if I was being good enough. Verses I misinterpreted were feeding my sense of self-guilt--I figured if it was possible to prophesy and cast out demons but not truly please Jesus (Matthew 7:21-23), maybe I was doing the same thing in a sense. How did I know that I really loved Him enough? "If you love me, you'll obey my commandments," right? All my bad attitudes, all the areas I find it difficult to sacrifice for God (like possibly moving overseas, etc.) stood out to me as a condemnation of how un-Christlike I was. Yes, I knew God still, well, liked me. . .but was I doing enough to live the Christian life? Was He really pleased with me?

Then one evening I started to read The Ragamuffin Gospel. (It and The Practice of the Presence of God now stand out as the two books that have most influenced my relationship with God, aside from the Bible). Brennan Manning described grace, and it changed my life. I began to understand what grace really is--that we are nothing, and God loves us. Repeat: we are nothing, and God loves us.

You mean I don't have to wonder if God's happy with me? I thought. No, I don't. Because I don't have to earn His approval. He gives it freely. That's grace.

I started to change. An anvil was taken off my shoulders. Instead of feeling the pressure to keep up a 'perfect' life (as if it ever were possible anyway!) I started settling for mediocre at times, knowing I didn't have to perform for my own or God's approval. It even began to influence my parenting--I started telling Kardelen when she had disobeyed not only that it made mommy sad when she did so, but also that I will love her no matter what she does. Because I want her to begin to understand grace through her parents.

The crazy thing is that I haven't even finished the book; I'm still on chapter four. But I wanted to share with you how understanding God's grace changed my life, and set me free from performance addiction. And not that I understand it fully--I think that every day as I experience it, I'll understand it better.